January 6th marks the 1 year anniversary of a soul that left us way too soon.
Dr. Grosch joined the practice with Dr. Line when our other doctor decided to retire from medicine. I was not sure what to think of this man. He never wore a white doctors coat and never a tie. He was dressed like any “regular” guy. Always came into work with his motorcycle jacket and backpack. Never acted like he was above another. He was always joyful and wanted everyone to have a good time at work. If you were not smiling or happy, he sure had his way of making sure you did. So many jokes, so much laughter and joy was spent with him.
One memory he and I would always joke about with one anther was the first time he played a “joke” on me. It was when he first started and I was on the phone with another doctor and he came in the door where I was sitting and “sneezed” all over me. Well, it was not a real sneeze it was just water he had sprinkled on me. I got so mad at him. He later told me how sorry he was. Well, needless to say we became great friends, after I got my head out of my butt 🙂
He was always there to listen to me and give me the best advice on situations. The best advice he gave me was to be happy, love my family, do what I love, and live my life the best I could. So to honor him I am going to do just that.
I will miss him everyday. But also know he will be watching me to make sure I do what he told me. I am grateful he was in my life.
He made them a happy 5 years.
Going to try and make this a great year. The last few have not been so grand. So let’s start with some pictures of my daughter, Leah.
I didn’t ask for this diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I didn’t ask to be in pain 24/7, some days are better than others, but I have pain somewhere in my joints and other parts of my body everyday. It takes all I can to get through some days.
Fibromyalgia is an invisible syndrome. You can’t see my pain, you can’t feel my pain. So unfortunately most people can’t understand what I am going through. A lot of people don’t even believe in Fibromyalgia. All I know for sure is that I keep getting so many syndromes and the doctors say it’s all from the Fibromyalgia. I can get on a ton of medications to “help” my pain. I have tried some and they make me to zoned out to even function. I do not want to live my life like that. I want to enjoy my time with my daughter and my partner. I don’t want to keep missing out on life. I am still trying to figure out how to do this.
When I do have Fibro Flares (http://www.livestrong.com/article/275082-signs-of-a-fibromyalgia-flare-up/) I am alone, I retreat to my room. Why? I feel like I have no one to talk to, because who really wants to hear someone complain about their health all the time. I know I hate having to complain. I hate having to say “I’m sorry, it’s a bad day”. I hate that I get on edge when I get a flare. It really does feel like you’ve been run over by a truck.
So many things I’m trying to work on. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that I don’t cry. I’m so tired of crying. I feel so weak. I was always a very strong person. Fibromyalgia has completely changed me as a person. Not for the better. I want ME back. Just don’t know how to get ME back, yet!
Lastly Fibromyalgia sucks………………
Lately it has been really bad. A lot of pain days no matter what I do. Stress levels are up more, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it.
The one thing I must do is exercise. I just really do not like working out. I need a fun way to exercise. But have not found it yet. Another is to really eat better. I am noticing more and more that whatever I eat seems to make my mouth hurt and makes everything numb. Not such a great feeling.
Senses: Any of the faculties, as sight, hearing, smell, taste, or touch, by which humans and animals perceive stimuli originating from outside or inside the body.
So my senses are a little mixed up lately. They truly have no idea what they are doing.
I seem to hear okay for now. But every once in a while my hearing does get muffled and then the ringing starts. Thankfully, the ringing does not last long (at least).
Everything I eat seems to irritate my taste buds. They usually get inflamed and the edges of my tongue get numb as well as my lips. Nothing taste quite as well as before. When it gets really irritated my throat closes up a bit. Which really makes things interesting.
Oh how my sense of smell has changed. Smells are just so strong to me and overwhelming at times. Certain foods, perfumes and such just make me so sick. Cleaning products usually make me cough because of the potent odors they have. And I’m not even going to mention the people odors that annoy me.
I usually can’t have any clothing that is constricting or too heavy of a fabric. It makes my skin hurt. Hugging is an issue as well. Gentle soft hugs are the best. I can’t have my arms on a table to long, it makes my skin overly sensitive. Then I start to have a numbing/tingling feeling. Mostly feet and hands. So sensitive that even the lightest touch triggers waves of excruciating pain.
V I S U A L
This is hard for me to deal with. I used to read 2-3 books a week. I would remember what the books were about, what I was hearing at the time of reading, what sounds I heard from every book I read. It has been a while since I’ve read a book, due to the fact I can’t remember what I even read. Much less even remember a paragraph. I guess part of this is my memory problem. Oh well, it was the best place to put it. I have trouble driving at night, my eyes burn daily and I get blurry vision here and there. Oh the fun!
Here I am in my bed for the second day. After work I’ve just been exhausted and cannot get my act together to do my second job as mother & partner. I know this is not what I need to do. I am giving in to this feeling of complete loneliness and negative thoughts.
But I’m also so tired of saying “sorry” to people when I feel this bad. All that does is makes me more stressed and brings on guilty feelings. That I’m not out there doing more.
When I think about my life on a whole, I’m truly lucky. I have a home, a car, a job, great family, friends and the best of all I have Ruben and Leah. It’s very hard on them to see me in bed, in pain and they can’t do anything for me. I can’t even do anything for me.
I want to live my life. I want to laugh.
I don’t look “sick” so how can I feel so bad? But I’m turning the page on this story and I’m going to live like nothing is wrong. (Hopfully) 💜